I have no idea how or why I got up at 7am today. For the life of me, I tried to stay up way into the wee hours last night, for no other reason than the fact that it was Saturday. But, I crashed out dismally at 1am. I'd been on the balcony for a while, listening to an inspirational podcast. There was a strong breeze and the air smelled almost like rain. I came in and went to bed.
Lame.
As I laid there this morning, wondering why the hell I should have my eyes open so early on a Sunday, I went through my usual morning routine: Struggling to focus on my tiny iPhone screen with one eye while compulsively checking emails and Facebook updates. The iTunes was rolling on shuffle, spitting out a few jazz numbers. A disturbingly high percentage were Christmas themed. Out of the thousands of songs in my drive, how were so many "random" Xmas songs playing in such short order? Gotta remember to uncheck those in the playlist some time. When Patsy started crooning "Why Can't He Be You?", I rolled over and closed my eyes. Damnit, Patsy. If I smoked, it would have been a very dramatic moment to light a grit. But I don't.
For the past several weeks, I've been fighting the urge to get back in touch with Jess. I've been doing a lot of soul searching and have realized that a lot of the ire I held during the final months of our relationship was misdirected. Or was it? Fuck. That's what keeps me from telling her that I think about her every day. The damage is done. I can't risk breaking her heart again, so it's best to let it lie. I love her enough to let her move on. Maybe she has already. We'll both be happy again some day, right? I can't let the fact that I let a quality woman slip through my fingers blind me to the fact that there are others out there... and that there were legitimate flaws in our pairing.
Perhaps I'm letting guilt get to me. It's occurred to me that my trademark anti-Texas sentiment is unwarranted. Texas has been good to me and there are a lot of things I love about the environment. Don't get me wrong: San Antonio can eat a dick. But that's hardly the fault of Texas as a whole. As a result, I've set my sights on relocating to Austin. It's a safe and easy move. Just a spell on up the road, as they'd say. I can get a short lease and if I'm still as dissatisfied at the end of it, then Operation: Escape Velocity can resume. Makes sense to me.
Therein lies the rub: I feel guilty about staying here, since almost my entire platform with Jess was "We Gotta Get Out of this Place". My frustration with her constant delays was the major factor in the disintegration of "us". I shouldn't let it bother me or govern my thoughts and actions, but there it is. In the back of my mind, I'm wondering if we could make it happen in a new locale. If things would be different.
Josh told me to stop "thinking like a girl" when I brought it up.
My best bet right now is to focus on myself. Keep saving for Operation: Escape Velocity, make the move to Austin, and let the chips fall where they may. Let the chimps fall. Oooo oooo ah ah! Whatever will be, will be.
Patsy finished her soppy crooning and Hank picked up the reins with "Lost Highway". Jesus, now they're tag teaming me. I suddenly wished for the Christmas jazz to return. The glut of pain in my core took me back to Sunday mornings at home. Dad would tune in to Classic Country on the radio while he read every square inch of the paper. Mom made coffee and breakfast. I could smell it. I was lonely.
Take it from someone who made the move from Texas to Chicago with her ex-husband under the same premise that a different locale would somehow make things different. It did...for a few years...we were sharing the excitement of being in a new place and exploring together which kind of replicated those feelings we once had about each other at the beginning of our relationship. But, in the end, that wore off and we were back in the same place we were before we moved. You see, the underlying problems were still there. We can put lots of coats of paint on 'em, but it will show through in the end.
ReplyDeleteBut I truly do believe that everything I went through had a purpose. I look back on on it all and realize I probably would have not had the courage to set out on my own and would have missed so many opportunities. So, I needed his help to get me to a place where I could move on from. So, I've become thankful (eventually) for that and the lessons I've learned.
You can second guess yourself and dwell on "what ifs," but that will get you nowhere. We are funny people, we are always tricking ourselves with our own rationalizations. Think about it...even if she was ready, willing, and able to "get out of this place" with you...what other obstacle would YOU then create to delay it? Our own fears drive our actions, even when we are unaware of it.
Just keep moving forward...cherishing the past as you go. On the days when you feel like you're stuck, find even the most minute sign of forward motion...hang on to it and go with it.
And yes, quit thinking like a girl. ;-)
Thanks for the very thoughtful response, Michele. I'd have to say that everything worked out really well for you ;)
ReplyDeleteI don't think it weird to have a majority of christmas tunes in your ipod. As long as you have John Denver and the Muppets Christmas CD!!!
ReplyDeleteI love Christmas music, Bonn, but it feels weird when the sun is blazing and it's pushing 90ยบ at 7am.
ReplyDeleteFigures Bonnie would focus on the Christmas music part rather than the IMPORTANT stuff. LOL
ReplyDeleteI think it's funny that Josh said you were thinking like a girl. :-)
LOL I always seem to do that. Here's what you do Jay - sit in front of the a/c so you get cold, draw your drapes, and imagine you're back in Wisconsin again during December. Then it won't be so weird to listen to Christmas music. While you're at it, slip a Christmas DVD in too.
ReplyDelete