Well, here it is the last day of 2010. Good fucking riddance. I know you read that everywhere you look, to the point that it's cliche. But judging by my friends' Facebook statuses or snippets overheard on the street, this seems to have been a capital year of malaise and contempt. A bumper crop of bullshit. A windfall of WTF.
Who am I kidding? I'm never on "the street". I've spent the last 9 months hiding under a rock in my cave, waiting for it all just to fucking blow by.
It's been a year of self-discovery and adventure, at any rate, but with a smoldering undercurrent of doubt, regret and depression. It's been a selfish year. Illness has dogged my usually iron constitution, with maladies holding on for months at a time (though I feel physically fine just now). I've had to make some hard decisions this year, followed by the harder decisions to stick with them. I'm generally very cavalier and quite honestly not afraid of anything that life can toss at me, but I often undermine myself with reverie, speculation and indecision. Thus we tumble on into 2011.
2011.
The Grail of years for me. The year where I will finally put the latest chapter of my life to bed. My time in San Antonio has been a learning experience. I've made (and lost) some good friends. I gained perspective on the big picture, and have enjoyed warm winters and cold beers. I've gotten laid a few times, broke my first heart, buried an old feline friend and gained 70 pounds.
My maddeningly shchizo search for "what's next?" has finally been settled, and when Sir Winston and I press on to a brand new life just up the road in Austin, I can't say that I'll have much cause to look back. Of the friends I've made here, I certainly don't see many of them with more frequency than once every several months. Even the "closest" ones only seem to come around when they want something these days. It's no cut at them, or at myself. We have our lives to live. Situations change. Scenes change. People change. So me being gone will hardly be noticed. Beers will flow if we cross paths in Austin, but it will be a case of "remember when?". Dusty old memories on the bookshelf. A few hours catching up before our lives untangle again from each other for months? A year? Forever? In time, they'll likely hide my Facebook feed as even more irrelevant than is the current situation. Some won't, but I won't blame the ones who do. Life rolls on.
This isn't "woe is me". This is "Good for me". Onwards and upwards to exciting new vistas. We've been here before.
Happy New Year
Happy New Year to you too, Jason. I always enjoy your insightful blog posts. I feel a kinship with you, my friend. I seem to make friends wherever I go without much thought as to the caliber of their character. And this, my friend, is my resolution this year: Grow closer to the friends of quality and shed the ones that drag me down. It's time I stop flittering in and out of people's lives.
ReplyDeleteWho the hell am I kidding. I love people and beer. When mixed together I seem to come away with a new friend. Look forward to seeing you in a couple of months in Wisconsin.
Don't get me wrong, McGnarley; I'm not premeditating cutting anyone out of my life. I'm just being realistic. People I barely ever see while living in the same city will undoubtedly become dusty memories once I no longer live here. It doesn't have anything to do with quality. Our relationships will just slide more fully in infrequent Internet chatter, and that's ok.
ReplyDeleteAside from the group of artists with whom I've recently begun to work, the San Antonio experience has atrophied into irrelevance. Nothing I do here matters, and it's been a long time coming. The stage is set for a new era.
Well, if NPR is correct, Austin is the new American Counter-culture capital. I heard a snippet making that claim while listening to Car-Talk on NPR this morning.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm not premeditating cutting any specific people out of my life either, but I have my suspicions about whom I will not likely be in anything other than occasional FB contact. Those that don't make an effort with me will no longer be sought after. Perhaps it's harsh, but I'm tired of pretending to be friends with people that really don't desire that closeness anymore.
I think a lot of people see you as a wild and fun guy who enjoys life to the full, but there is a deeper more meaningful side to the Jason we know and love (in a non homosexual way) ;)
ReplyDelete